ICU Psychosis and a Catheter in My Neck (Kidney Failure)

 ICU Psychosis, Getting a Catheter in My Neck, and Starting Dialysis (Kidney Failure)

 

    The ICU isn’t an ideal place for a lucid, conscious person. It is full of noises, beeps and alarms. I was barely able to get any sleep. Unbeknownst to me, I was in the beginning stages of ICU psychosis. I had been seeing what I considered to be small goblins on the walls. I assumed it was just a side effect of a medicine and never mentioned it. Since I was in the ICU, I started to notice that there was always music playing. I specifically remember hearing a Green Day song and thinking it was very disrespectful of the visitor to play such loud music while spending time in an ICU with their loved ones. I noticed that there was also music playing at night. I could hear it very faintly. I strained to hear it. It sounded like it was coming from the ceiling. As I listened, I heard a DJ say it was mention the name of the radio station. Then I thought to myself, “Oh, it’s a radio station.” It never occurred to me that my hospital didn’t have its own radio station. If they did, I surely would have known about it.

    My lung transplant doctors decided it was time to start dialysis, so they put in the orders for me to get a catheter in my neck. I was wheeled into the procedure room. The anesthesiologist administered a light sedation but nothing happened. I didn’t feel sleepy at all. I’m not sure if this was a side effect of the psychosis or possibly even from kidney failure. The surgeon had asked the anesthesiologist if he could give me anything more but he said, considering my condition, it was all he could offer. I’m not sure what condition he meant but I didn’t ask. So, I would be awake for the procedure. Not the first and nor the last time that I would have to be awake for such a procedure. The lidocaine stung very badly and I could feel the pressure of the knife slicing into my skin. I felt the tugging and pushing as she manipulated the catheter into the palace. The surgeon was very nice and we talked through the duration of the procedure.

    Now that I had my catheter I could start dialysis. Since I was in the ICU and needed constant monitoring, a dialysis machine and a nurse were sent to me for my treatments. When I received my first session, it felt like electricity was pulsing through my body. My whole body vibrated. I have no idea why I felt this sensation. I never felt it with any of my following treatments. I thought this was a good time to bring up the mysterious radio station playing in the ceiling to my sister and the dialysis nurse. To my surprise, they could not hear it. It was a duet by Bryan Adams and Dolly Parton. I recognized the song but didn’t know the lyrics, so as it played, I said the lyrics as I heard them in hopes they would recognize the song. They didn’t. I chalked it up to excellent hearing on my part. Of course, this song did not really exist, only in my head.

    The music would change though. Besides the Green Day song and the duet, the songs I heard on the fictitious radio station were songs I had heard before, like the songs I had listened to on my IPOD. Soon, those same songs would morph into instrumental songs that would play on a loop. Finally, it changed altogether, morphing into dark piano music, accompanied by guitars. It was music I had never heard before.

    Besides the music, I was hearing a cacophony of strange noises, voices, and sounds. I counted how many of these I could here at one time and I got to 21. I could hear the sounds of someone washing their hands in a sink. I also heard the sounds of someone wearing high heels, descending a staircase that I was envisioning in my mind; followed by a door creaking open, which I thought came from behind my wall. I heard a voice that just repeated the words “Ha, ha, ha” over and over again inside the heater; I could see an image of his face as he said it. There was a chorus of opera voices signing the words “Who can it be?” over and over again in the upper left corner of the room. I could see them in my mind, in their robes, holding choral folders and singing. I wasn’t seeing these things as a super clear image; it was just the same as when you picture something in your mind’s eye. I heard and saw a gentle feminine voice singing “We love you, we love you, we love you, we love you” over and over again in my lap.  I heard what sounded like a distorted tape recording of ghostly voices that were my sister’s voices, playing snippets of conversations we had in previous visits, and these voices were in my chest. I also could hear instrumental piano music and instrumental guitar music playing, among many other noises.

 

 (I have my neck catheter in and I don't feel well at all)

(My neck catheter was usually gauzed and taped up to prevent infection)

(Having my first dialysis treatment in the ICU)

 

(My dialysis machine)