The Big Bleed (Hemoptysis)

The Big Bleed aka Hemoptysis (Trigger Warning)

 

During one of my next hospital stays, I was put on a pulmonary floor and had a very nice roommate with Scleroderma. This hospital did not have a CF floor, or wing. I still received physical therapy, but the therapists usually worked on congestive heart failure patients, and were not knowledgeable about the CPT I was used to. Instead of using their hands, they used an anesthesia mask which acted like a cupped hand. They used it to beat a large area at a time. They were willing to work with me to beat smaller areas for longer periods of time. It still wasn’t quite what I had been used to. In previous stays at this hospital, I had to use a VEST machine to do my own therapy. I ate my breakfast every morning while I listened to MTV’s top music countdown. There was a new song that I was really into by the All-American Rejects, called Move Along. I had always had a passion for music and it helped me get through my days. My mother came for a visit one night after work and we played some scrabble before bed. After that, she kissed me goodbye and left for the night. Soon after she left, I got myself ready for bed and I laid down. Suddenly, I felt a gurgling in my lungs and I knew what this meant. My lungs were bleeding. I quickly sat up. Utter panic was setting in. My stomach and heart were burning. My heart was racing. I kept coughing up blood despite my best efforts to suppress my cough. The blood was so thin that as I coughed, it would shoot up through my nose. I had to take my oxygen cannula out. At this point, sheer terror filled me. I couldn’t breathe now. I NEEDED my oxygen. I had a styrofoam cup by my bedside, and I grabbed it, and it quickly started to fill up with blood. Blood spatter was all over my sheets and body. I pressed the call button and shouted, “Emergency!” into the intercom. My roommate, growing concerned, pulled back the curtain separating our beds and asked me where my phone was. She quickly found my mother’s phone number and told her to come back immediately. A bunch of medical staff had rushed into my room. They just stood around watching me. One of them grabbed some tissues and started wiping the blood from my body. I managed to speak and say “Am I going to die?” The silence was deafening. No one on the medical team said a word. It was like having a large audience just watching and observing. It was my roommate that then assured me I was going to be okay. I didn’t know what to think. Someone took my blood pressure and it was somewhere in the 200s/100s. This just sent even more waves of panic through my body.  I knew I had to calm myself down. So, I closed my eyes and pretended I was walking on the beach with my niece and nephew in South Carolina. We had been there on vacation the previous year. I took the deepest breaths I could and exhaled as slowly as my body would allow through pursed lips. I was also playing in my head the very song that I had been listening to every morning by the All-American Rejects. “So a day when you’ve lost yourself completely, could be a night when your life ends… When all you gotta keep is strong, move along, move along, like I know you do; And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along, just to make it through… When everything is wrong, we move along.”  Eventually the coughing stopped and the medical staff gathered my belongings and put them on my bed. I was wheeled into the ICU with all my possessions. There I received Codeine to prevent further coughing and a vitamin K shot to help stop the bleeding. My mother met me there soon after I arrived. That night, I slept with the head of my bed raised as high as it would go. In a sitting position, I leaned against the upright bed. I was too afraid to lie down again. The next day I was released from the ICU. They told me I was too healthy to be there. I couldn't believe it. Could they not see how badly my health was deteriorating?  Not long after this, I was released from the hospital.